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I was supposed to have been spending today with my son. He texted me last night to say he wasn't feeling well, his mother also rang me to confirm he had a stomach bug, he'd been sick and suffering diarrhoea.

As much as I hated not spending the weekend with Danny, it gave me the opportunity to do some much needed housekeeping.

I realised yesterday morning that not only did I have no clean crockery or cutlery, but no clean underwear either. That was a bit of a shock to the system. I put a load of laundry on and did some dishes. It's amazing how therapeutic cleaning can be. Its something I remember my mother saying but I never believe it, however the act of picking up piles of dishes, organising them, washing them and putting them away really did feel good. A physical sign of things improving. I still can't find any side plates though which is annoying and worrying considering I only live in a rented bedsit

I'm not used to having to think about these things. Housework, laundry, cleaning. Without meaning to sound too much like a sexist fucking pig, my wife used to take care of all that. Just one more thing I need to get my head around, especially as I'm planning on getting a decent enough place to have Danny come and stay with me.

Current Mood: stressed

Yesterday was a good day. It was a normal day. The first one of those I've had in a while. I didn't' feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders - and that felt good. It felt like any other day off work.

I slept well, although I did still have to take a sleeping pill but I woke up feeling refreshed. I remembered to eat, albeit it not especially healthily. I spent the day indulging in some of my favourite things - I played Super Mario, I watched Star Trek: Enterprise, I read, I listened to music. I enjoyed myself and didn't have a sense of guilt over it.

This evening has been spent with pizza, chicken wings, a couple of beers and I watched Star Wars - the original movie. 'A New Hope' as it's become known as, although to me, it's still just Star Wars. I always forget how damn much I love that movie. I know I love the movie, always have done, but sometimes I forget how fucking great it is.

I'm trying not to read too much into a good day. I know one good day doesn't mean I'm miraculously cured. I think it just means the treatment plan is working, my medication is working. It just means I've had a good day. I'm hoping it means I've got some more to come.

Current Mood: good

The Long Tomorrow by Leigh Brackett

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

In post-holocaust America, technology is non-existent, having been blamed for the nuclear war that wrecked the world. Technology is actively opposed, set in stone by the 30th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution; even cities are banned, with population limits set and rigorously enforced by neighboring villages. Fire-and-brimstone religion has come to dominate the countryside, with traveling old-tyme religion preachers roving the countryside to heap Hell’s damnation upon the wicked dream of technology.

Enter Len Colter and his cousin Esau, New Mennonite youngsters dreaming of the past glories retold to them by Len’s elderly grandmother. Against their fathers’ wishes, they sneak off to a revival meeting, where the preacher incites a mob to stone a trader to death on charges of trading in technology. Tech, we are told, comes from a secretive bastion known as Bartorstown… a name synonymous to Hell for most of the world, extending its scientific tentacles against the wishes of Godly men, which will undoubtedly destroy the world yet again. The two boys are shocked at seeing the brutal death, but fascinated with the idea of Bartorstown, so they decide to run away and find its mythical technology.

This is the novel that was billed as "Leigh Brackett's best" on the cover. And the first chunk of the book is Brackett in fine form: a kind of Tom Sawyer pastoralism amongst the small New Mennonite communities of future America. The middle of the book is a journey tale, taking us to various settlements as the boys move on towards Bartorstown. The last third begins to get muddled, losing its momentum and focus; the ending is okay, lacking the resonance that would have made it great.

This is a slick novel, with a lot going for it, though I'm not sure this is Brackett's best: most mature, yes, and most thought-provoking---her closest to mainstream SF. But I'm not sure it's her strongest. The cover is correct, it's "awfully close" to being a great novel, but even as something of a letdown this is still a book I have fond memories of.

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Current Mood: pleased

I think as well as knowing my strengths, it's also important to know my weaknesses. Not only do I need to admit to them as they balance me out, but it also gives me things I can work on. I'm trying not to get too bogged down in the dark side, God only knows I've spent enough time there recently but it's still part of who I am.

However, personality traits are very different to the situation and events that lead to the depression. Discovering my bisexuality is not a weakness, my wife's failure to cope is not my weakness, mental illness is not a weakness.

My inability to say no to people, on the other hand, is a personal weakness. At work I've learned to ask what a task's priority is, compared to the rest of my workload. Outside of work - we all want people to like us and if we say no to someone, they might not want to know us anymore. That's always been a problem of mine!

Public speaking scares me something terrible. Luckily it's not something I have to do very often - or ever at all, if I'm honest - I haven't since presentations in school. I get tongue-tied speaking in front of a group of people but can talk to people one-on-one without any problems at all

I can also be very stubborn.

Lately, Chris Hemsworth has become a weakness - does he count? ;)

Current Mood: lonely

The End of Eternity by Isaac Asimov

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Reading Asimov again after a long break of years was like coming back home. It's like i'd never been away. The slightly awkward and sometimes naive characters were back, the creations of a man of science by trade, and yet this naivety which resonates with the core drives of humans set against these far reaching Sci-Fi tales. Asimov enthralls with the scope of his vision, you need binoculaurs to see the limits of these big ideas and was left liking Sci-Fi as a genre once again. His customary clever twists abound in this book and always delight. This novel also has some of the themes that drive his more famous works of I Robot and Foundation and still ring true today as concerns over humanity's future.

A good and representative Asimov novel.

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I've always thought of myself as a strong person - physically, mentally and emotionally - and I'm finding reserves to fight through this situation that I didn't even realise. If I was talking to someone else who was going through what I've been going through, if they were still moving forward and onward, I would tell them that I'm proud of them. I should be proud of myself.

What does it mean to be strong? What are my strengths?

You wouldn't think this would be a hard question to answer and 18-months ago, I would have had no difficulty telling you them but with this depression and questioning my identity, I'm finding myself less sure of myself. Although the more work I'm doing on it, the more I'm realising that despite my life being turned upside down, I'm still the same me at my core.

I'm thorough and conscientious, I'm very careful in what I do and I pay attention to details - but without losing sight of the big picture. I know what I'm doing, and why.

I'm curious. I love to learn new things about the world around me, I want to understand the people in my life. I love surprises - to try new food, talk to a stranger or just ask a question. This is something I'm trying my hardest to instill in my son

I'm polite. I was brought up to mind my p's and q's Good manners cost nothing and I'm forever horrified at the way people treat other people, there's no respect or kindness anymore.

Current Mood: productive

All this navel-gazing has me thinking about my values, the way I want to live my life.

We face tough decisions everyday. As a parent, (ex)husband and business professional I encounter several circumstances each day which test my patience, my character and my peace of mind. For me, my values guide me and shape my priorities and reactions. They serve as my markers to tell me if my life is heading in the right direction and if it is out turning out the way I want it to.

I'm trying to make a deliberate and conscious attempt to identity which values are the most important to me, in the hopes it will help to keep my anxiety low and my happiness and sense of personal worth and self-awareness high.

While these are not an exhaustive list, these are the most important for me to live by and the ones I want to pass along to my son.

Belief in Others. It can be your attitude; your resolve, that can lift someone up when they are down. Their doubt can be erased by your confidence. And something else amazing happens: belief is contagious – the more you believe in others; the more you will continue to believe in yourself.

Compassion. We are all part of this thing called the human condition. No doubt we have different skin colors, religious preferences and political points-of-view, but at the end of the day, we still need to take care of one another.

Love. The presence of love in our life, the love we have for our families, our friends, our faith and for ourselves, is the single most important source of light and energy we can tap into when we have the need to be filled-up; or when we see the need to fill someone else up with grace, hope and our love

Current Mood: thankful

I've been reading recently about the power of positivity, of affirmations, of mindfulness and well being and it's benefits for mental health. These are all things I'm working towards - as the Serenity Prayer goes: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference

Keep your head up and your heart open.
After being with the same woman for over 15 years and coming to the realisation that I'm bisexual, and sudden entrance into singledom, I'm not ready yet for meeting anyone else... let alone the confusion of who I'd want to be in a relationship with.

However, I trust that if I keep my head up and my heart open, good things will come into my life. I use this both figuratively and literally.

By actually keeping your head up, smiling at people as they walk by, and keeping aware of your surroundings, you may notice something or meet someone that you potentially could have missed had your head been down

Go slowly.
With everything. Eating. Talking. Taking a shower. Driving. Even having sex.

I'm noticing that when I am super-stressed out about things, I have a tendency to run around like a lunatic, doing several things at once, often having to re-track my steps because I was so distracted that I left several things out.

I found that my projects, errands, and even my conversations with people became very watered down because I was rushing just to finish.

Now, whenever I feel like I’m rushing to just get things done, I slow down my pace, take a deep breath, and take my time with whatever it is I am rushing to do.

When we slow down, we can taste all the flavors in our food and we digest our meals better. We are better communicators when we talk slower, and we become better listeners.

Be easy.
Or in other words, don’t sweat the small stuff.

I'm realising that most of the issues that are giving me anxiety are completely out of my control, and they are usually things that wouldn’t matter five years, five months or even five minutes from the time.

I'm learning to not get so worked up over the small things, stressing about matters that, in the end, really didn’t make a difference.

So, if you find yourself getting road rage from the guy that cut you off on the highway, let him be. Why get angry and stress yourself out over it? Just be easy.

Did someone on the train bump you as they walked by? Who cares? The cab is packed; it wasn’t her fault. Be easy.

Current Mood: peaceful

Three to Conquer by Eric Frank Russell

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Eric Frank Russell followed the ideas of Charles Fort: humans in the future would include some special ability. In this case, the proganist is Wade Harper, a maker of microscopic tools and a telepath. Harper normally hides his ability - but when he reads the mind of a non-human, he realizes that the world has a serious problem. Combatting an alien invasion is more important than hiding from the military and media... He announces himself and his talents to the government, and they press him into the war against the aliens. Only he can detect them - which makes him their prime target.

Russell's blend of humanity and wit makes him my favourite writer of SF. This novel was written in the cold war, so there are morals to be made and parallels to be drawn - but only if you want to. It's good SF, and a good thriller. That combination makes it worthy of a read. Don't worry if you don't like SF, read if for the light comedy, the chase, the storyline. I've dipped into it several times in the decades since it was written - it's always entertaining.

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Not quite New Year resolutions but... New Me plans. I have always been very fond of not only writing out plans, but making them step-by-step, tangible goals. I want to achieve A and I will do this by BCD, kind of thing. Following on from yesterday's post, the main thing I need to do is get back into work.

I am signed off through the rest of August, to be reassessed the last week. If my GP gives me the OK to return to work, I will contact my manager and arrange a meeting with him and our HR person. I will be proposing a phased return to work, starting with part time hours 3 days a week and see how we go from there. Obviously this is something that would need to be reviewed as I get back into the swing of things, and of course is dependent on them agreeing to the proposal.

Once I'm back in work, the next step would be building up my financial reserves to have a deposit to put down on either a flat or a house of my own. I suspect initially renting, rather than buying. Ideally a two bedroom place, near to work and my son's school.

Only then will I be in a stable position to counter the custody situation and petition for joint custody, rather than just seeing him at weekends.

There's smaller goals I'd like to achieve as well.
I've started and plan on finishing watching the whole Star Trek verse as per the Star Trek Chronology Project - hey, I'm a geek, remember?
Read 25 books
Get to grips with blogging and social media
Be open to trying new things

Current Mood: determined

Double Star by Robert A. Heinlein

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This story is the very definition of the word "romp". Set in a universe of interstellar capers, it's a great fun space opera, largely devoid of subtext and brimful of derring-do.

The premise is one seldom approached by SF: the Prince-and-Pauper trope. The universe's greatest character actor is embroiled in a scheme to impersonate a top-ranking politician and save the galaxy, which he achieves with a mixture of futuristic disguise and old-fashioned acting prowess. Lorenzo is one of Heinlein's more fleshed-out protagonists, written with great charm and humour. Heinlein writes as confidently and sparingly as usual and this short novel whips along with pace and vim, but without the repetition of his other thrillers (e.g. The Puppet Masters).

It's an old book now and so it comes off as somewhat cheesy, but this is pulp SF at its best and well worth the small investment of time it takes to read.

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I have been signed off sick by my Doctor for the last couple of months - stress and depression. I'm still struggling with identity issues, the ongoing divorce & ensuing custody battle, and losing my house. Each one of those would be a lot and as you can imagine, all of them at once is huge.

So much of it is out of my control which in and of itself is stressful. I've been working with a psychological wellbeing coach on recognising and accepting this, and focusing on what I can do something about. It's slow progress, but I'm steadily identifying areas of my life that I do have control over, working on how I want to improve them and what the steps are. Some of it so ridiculously simple and I'm kicking myself for not recognising/realising it myself and ashamed for needing helping but, as my therapist reminds me, my chemical levels in my brain are a little screwy and my brain needs coaching. She keeps reminding it's similar to breaking a leg and needing physiotherapy to restrengthen the muscles etc again.

What does the new me look like?
I will be back in work. I will have my own place to live. I will have shared custody of my son.

Other than that, who knows what the future holds for me

You would have thought that by my late 40s I would know who I am, that I would be comfortable in my own skin. And, for the most part, I am. I quite happily accept the labels Metalhead, Bookworm, Pagan, Goth, Geek and Father.

There are two more, recent acquisitions, that I'm learning how they apply to my life, how they represent my view of myself. Divorcee. Bisexual.

And yes, they are connected. My wife threw me out at the beginning of 2018 after we both discovered I have an attraction to Chris Hemsworth, specifically as Thor in Thor: Ragnarok. She accused me of all number of vile, hurtful things, including but not limited to lying to her for the last 15 years.

From my perspective, I was not lying to her, I had not realised I had an attraction to him, or to any man. Although, over the last year I am realising it may have been repressed and I'm definitely attracted to much more men than I previously realised. I am, however, still very attracted to and turned on by women.

This is me saying for the first time 'out loud' - My name is Mike, and I am bisexual.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Sabaton - The Final Solution

They'd Rather Be Right by Mark Clifton

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

The beginning is the most intriguing, with two professors and a telepath on the run from oppressive authorities in near-future San Francisco. The plot is about a cybernetic brain, nick-named "Bossy," developed by the two professors and other scientists, not knowing they were being manipulated by the telepath, Joe, who has his own uses for Bossy. They believe Bossy can perform psychosomatic therapy successfully, whereas no human doctor could avoid contaminating a patient with his/her own prejudices. They try Bossy's treatment on a volunteer, while still hiding out to evade the police, and the results are even more spectacular than they hoped - the volunteer is physically rejuvenated. Word gets out, and political factions want Bossy at any cost.

At some points the writing seemed a tad un-polished, repetitive, with certain words over-used. However, the narrative works in insightful, but cynical, indictments of psychology, the scientific method, politics, etc., and kept me interested to find out how it would turn out. The title refers to the prerequisites for Bossy's treatment, primarily that the patient give up all prejudices, preconceived notions, biases and attitudes; and that most people would rather hang on to their convictions than submit to the rejuvenation. There is a clever resolution at the end.

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The Demolished Man by Alfred Bester

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

In the future the police employ empaths, they can peep you, you can now longer get away with murder. But Ben Riechs, head of a huge 24th C business empire is driven to kill his rival, how will he get away with it, and who is the Man With No Face?

Written in 1953 this is an astonishingly modern novel, it reads very quick and has some great ideas, only a few things link it to the 20th C, like using photographs and printed tape but other than that a great slice of sci-fi. My first from the Gollancz SF Masterworks imprint but not my last.

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Current Mood: pleased

My name is Mike, I'm a gay 48-year-old science-fiction fan from the wilds of Wolverhampton. Metalhead, bookworm, pagan, goth, geek; this blog is going to feature my daily ramblings, as well as new music and books I discover, and the trials and tribulations of fatherhood, divorce and discovering my sexuality.

I can’t live without music and love a wide range of genres, although symphonic metal is probably my favourite. I’m a Sagittarius. I collect model rockets. I’m in Ravenclaw. I love video games, particularly classic platformers. I love horror movies, especially the vampire and slasher variety. My favorite food is grilled cheese sandwiches. I drink gratuitous amounts of really strong coffee. I’d like more tattoos. I’m a hardcore procrastinator and I hate it. I enjoy painting. I’m a pessimist, and a grumpy little storm cloud… but I’m trying to be better. I am mesmerized by the cosmos and spellbound by violin songs. I’m actually really friendly despite having 24/7 resting bitch face. I like to blog sometimes.

Current Mood: nervous

Welcome

My name is Mike, I'm a 48-year-old science-fiction fan from the wilds of Wolverhampton. Metalhead, bookworm, pagan, goth, geek; this blog is going to feature my daily ramblings, as well as new music and books I discover, and the trials and tribulations of fatherhood, divorce and discovering my sexuality.